A Place to Start, I Guess

Reflecting

So, it hasn't been as easy as I thought it would to come up with things to write about. Every subject has me double and triple checking myself, wondering if what I type will offend someone or cause someone pain. I guess that shouldn't be surprising since I have spent most of my life living for someone else. Rarely have I done things of my own volition- it has usually been to please or impress another person. 

My mom told me I had an ulcer at 3 years old. Why does that seem totally appropriate for me??? I had to be perfect from my earliest years. Always striving to be the smartest in the class and when I wasn't it was like I had completely failed. I was voted to be the Wise Old Owl in my elementary school play. It made me so proud that my classmates would have voted me in for that. I was pretty cute, too.

The ulcer got better as I grew older because then I was more concerned with getting the boys to like me. It was replaced with eating disorders, but whatever.  I still had really good grades, but I did just about anything I could to get boys to notice me. Isn't that how a teenage girl is measured- by being asked out by guys, by being told you're pretty? For some reason, I measured my worth by whether boys liked me or not. THAT went on for several years. I must have spent half my day on hair and makeup alone. The rest was spent at the tanning booth and gym. What was I thinking??  I'll tell you what I was thinking... I was thinking that I'd be an absolute failure if I didn't find someone to marry me right out of high school. After all, isn't that what a little Mormon girl should be doing? Wasn't it supposed to be everything to me to marry and start my family right away? I remember my mom telling me when I was about 22 that I'd never find anyone to be with because I was too independent and boys don't like that. I was setting myself up to be an old maid! It still makes me laugh. So many boxes in my life to try and fit inside, but I've really never fit in a single one.

Have I EVER fit inside any of them? I've really tried. Sometimes trying so hard that I've made myself sick. I watched people around me live the lives of perfect wife and mother and mimicked what I saw. I was raised by the best- homemade food, handmade clothes, a perfectly clean house, and she always looked put together and beautiful. Obviously, I needed to be the same. Only it didn't come naturally. I have always known that I wasn't really the person that I was putting myself out there to be. Being a wife and mom, was something I had always wanted to be, but it wasn't EVERYTHING to me. I wanted more; I wanted to be fulfilled personally and to be of value outside of my home as well. But that felt selfish and so I shoved it down deep and continued on the path that I was "supposed" to take. If and when I worked, it was when Lain could be home with our kids or while they were at school,  making sure I was available in case they needed me- reading minutes, science projects, scouting badges, and everything in between. After all, that is what a good mom does. 

The kids kept on growing. The more they grew, the more time they needed from me (and I was happy to be needed). I was an awesome football, basketball, baseball and soccer mom. Always the volunteer, I managed teams, did fundraisers, and made sure we had the best treats! I packed amazing coolers, carpooled with teammates, uniforms were spotless, and I wore ancient clothes just so we could pay for whatever fees and gear they needed. I lived for the sports! Watching them do what they loved brought me more joy than I could have ever imagined. My heart leapt with every achievement and I ached for their injuries and their time spent on the bench. My favorite moments with my boys are of times we drove together to their out of state tournaments. I loved our time together so much. When I look back on those days, they were the best of my life! I felt like I was born to be this mom! Except, then it ended.

In the blink of an eye, my kids were done with sports. I cried! I still cry. Abbie's concussion stole it from me sooner than I would have liked. I was supposed to have at least a few more years.  It was my calling in life to be the sports mom and I had it all down pat. How rude for it to end!

What am I supposed to do now that it's over?? Well, that's the ugly thing staring me in the face. I'm not good at anything else. I dropped out of school years ago in order to my special needs son- six classes short of my associate's. He's doing incredibly well and gets more and more independent every day. I don't have a home to redecorate (not going to go into all of that just yet). There are only two kids at home to cook for. Nobody needs Halloween costumes or teacher gifts. What in the world am I supposed to do? Who is this chubby old lady staring back at me in the mirror? What can I do to cheer her up?

These are some of the great questions in my universe. I guess I'll be figuring it out in real time, likely via this blog. I've recently started a new career that I love (It stresses me out but I love it), but I've also registered to finish my associate's degree in the spring. What I do after that is completely up in the air. Planning my life out has not gone particularly well in the past and I don't think I'm going to try it right now. I'm currently questioning and am super confused with just about every aspect of my life. My health sucks and I'm out of shape. Do I know what I am going to do about all (or any) of it? No. But I'm going to try.

AND I'm going to try and do it all without getting another ulcer.

That's the best I've got. 


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