Midlife Memoirs- healing through writing

The Imposter   Smiling. Laughing. She has a joke for every occasion and people love her.   The caregiver. The reliable one. Dependability is her middle name- count on her to do as expected.   She is strong enough to handle anything that comes her way. Her resolve will not be shaken.   “I don’t know how you do it.” “You inspire me.” “I admire you.” These are the words she repeatedly hears.   To the world around her, she is an absolute force.   BUT THEY SEE WHAT SHE WANTS THEM TO SEE.   Inadequacy. Fear of failure. Anxiety. These are the things that keep her mind running for hours on end as she tries to settle into bed.   Stifling sobs into her pillow, she cries herself to sleep, afraid to show anyone her weaknesses. For this she hates herself.   She knows she isn’t real. Keeping up the façade is exhausting.   If only someone would call her bluff and see her for who she truly is…   an imposter- a fraud.   Maybe then she could fin...

  (Poem by me) You know what I'm discovering? I'm discovering that I really have disconnected from who I am. I don't know my favorite food. I don't know my favorite color. I haven't got a favorite movie or even a favorite type of music (although I'm not sure I ever will because ALL of it is my favorite). I don't know if I ever knew any of this. My whole life I have been living out of obligation and trying to fit in specific boxes that I thought were assigned to me. If what I liked didn't fit in the boxes, it was discarded.  So, here I am now, kids grown for the most part, boxes chucked aside, and trying to figure out the things of my soul.  I've reconnected with the girl that loves to write and realized that I like to write poetry. I was always so nervous to write it as a girl, thinking I could never achieve the beauty of the words of my favorite poets. But now I realize, I don't have to. The beauty is in the writing. I feel a connection to the w...