I'm a Stranger

 

(Poem by me)


You know what I'm discovering?

I'm discovering that I really have disconnected from who I am. I don't know my favorite food. I don't know my favorite color. I haven't got a favorite movie or even a favorite type of music (although I'm not sure I ever will because ALL of it is my favorite). I don't know if I ever knew any of this. My whole life I have been living out of obligation and trying to fit in specific boxes that I thought were assigned to me. If what I liked didn't fit in the boxes, it was discarded. 

So, here I am now, kids grown for the most part, boxes chucked aside, and trying to figure out the things of my soul. 

I've reconnected with the girl that loves to write and realized that I like to write poetry. I was always so nervous to write it as a girl, thinking I could never achieve the beauty of the words of my favorite poets. But now I realize, I don't have to. The beauty is in the writing. I feel a connection to the words in poetry- it pulls out little threads of my soul and puts them to paper. It doesn't matter how it resonates with others, but how it connects me to myself. I discover so much of myself in my writing. It truly is a gift of discovery.

Another thing I have been enjoying recently is time outdoors and exercise. What once was such an integral part of me had been lost these last few years. I'm not sure why- maybe to prolong my own suffering. We humans can be so ridiculous when we are in crisis, punishing ourselves when we are at our lowest points so we can be even more downcast within our difficult situations. Because of this, I became more depressed, more overweight, and terribly unhealthy. When I had my recent awakening and started walking outdoors again, I could not believe how much better I felt almost immediately! I truly relish my time with myself, noticing the beauty of the world around me and trying to connect with it on a personal level. As much as I hate the cold, I have found myself laughing and playing all alone as I trudge through the snow-covered sidewalks. If I miss a day, I feel as if I have canceled an appointment with a dear friend and can't wait to catch up the next day. 

And now, the schoolgirl in me is making a comeback! Education has always been a big part of my life and I have regretted not finishing school almost every day since I stopped going. When I think about going back at my age, it terrifies me. It also excites me. I feel a new energy inside as I think about learning new things and finally finishing what I started. I can't wait to see what I discover as I embark on this new part of my journey! The thought of it all is exhilarating! 

Isn't midlife curious? We throw out all of the preconceived notions we had in our youth and finally decide we are going to be true to who we really are. The only problem is that we have to figure it out first. 

Buckle up, friends. It's gonna be a ride!


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